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She was slow to return his texts, started telling him she was busy when he asked if she wanted to hang out, and kept telling him nothing was wrong when he asked for reassurance. Aaron started feeling anxious and emotionally off balance… not secure and confident like he was when he met her. Across the next several weeks, he tried twice to ask her again if something was amiss and if she wanted to break things off.

Quote by Carl Sandburg: “Poetry is an echo asking a shadow to dance.”

But she told him that she still wanted him. Aaron just about lost his mind. I really love her and this is killing me. In the next example, Susan was grieving the loss of her boyfriend, when she started dating Gabe. Gabe was the strong, rugged, and quiet type. She really wanted to be with him. He was enticing to her and she succeeded in getting his attention and affection. But at the same time, he was slow to return texts and rarely made plans or initiated invitations for them to be together. But he rarely spoke about himself or his past except to say that his childhood and parents were perfect.

It was starting to sound like Gabe had a dismissing attachment style.


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  6. While all this was going on, Susan was being pursued by Alex, who she described as being much better looking and more polished than Gabe. Alex sounded like he really liked Susan. He asked her out on dates, made plans, was a good communicator, and was fairly open about himself.

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    She wanted Gabe. So, why would someone pine for a lost or unavailable love interest?

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    Sometimes we are trying to be in a relationship with the dream of who we wish someone would be. Aaron who had a preoccupied attachment style was not really that crazy about his dating partner until she triggered his attachment system by giving him rejection cues.

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    This activated in him the idea of a lack or absence of love and of the possibility that he was in some way deficient. He then felt an intense need to fill that lack with a love that was lost.

    But the love was never there in the first place. It was an idea born of an imagined fear of being alone something that he was not feeling just four months ago. It was a love that he projected onto a person who had already checked out and was not emotionally available.

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    This person had not been considerate, had been very indirect in her communications and was probably conflict averse… not good indicators in a relationship partner. In short, Aaron would not choose to be in a relationship with such a person, and the grief he was feeling related to grieving a dream….

    Susan was similarly projecting an idea of love and having that one special relationship onto Gabe. Gabe does not appear to be emotionally available, is very inconsistent, and lacks many of the characteristics that Susan would like the love of her life to have.

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    There is a real Gabe there, but Susan was able to concede that she did not really know him that well or understand his goals or motives. She was able to see that she was projecting her dream role onto Gabe… a role that he did not appear ready to play. Gabe was, for all intents and purposes, a blank slate onto which Susan was projecting her dream of love. In psychology, projection is viewed as an unconscious process whereby someone sees attributes positive and negative in another person that really belong to themselves.

    Most of us have seen the dark side of projections them in action. Here are some examples:. In that context, she was very bothered by how desperate and needy she felt. Ironically, she perceived Alex as being desperate and a bit needy… something that she felt very turned off by, and was more than happy to reject. Susan was embarrassed by her own desperation and neediness so she projected these feelings onto Alex. In truth, there is no way for us to know how much those characteristics really belonged to Alex any more than we can know how much the qualities of ideal love reside in Gabe.

    Overall, try not to be angry, have compassion, and forgive other people and yourself , when they decide not to take on their assigned role in your play. Books should arrive within business days for expedited shipping, and business days for standard shipping. Standard shipping can on occasion take up to 60 days for delivery. List this Seller's Books. Payment Methods accepted by seller.

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